The Secret Diary
The Life and Times of a Rescued Renegade
A FOREWORD TO ALL WHO VISIT THIS PAGE.
Living with a number of large hounds isn't easy, especially if you are much smaller than they are
and of mixed origins. What follows is a record of just a sample of my life. My reputation is built,
I am naughty, noisy and a great hell raiser. My role is to put up with the aristocratic floosies all
around me and show them how to be a real dog.
DYLAN
22nd October
This afternoon I went off to fetch a nice big juicy bone while the hounds were running around
in the garden. The next thing I knew I was being mugged by the little darlings who were
trying to steal MY BONE. Well there was nothing for it but to take
some drastic action, so I ran off with it into the house and tried to hide it under a cushion
on the new sofa. The next thing I know Goldie is digging it out again and running off with it,
so I chased her around the house to see if I could catch her and get it back. Goldie is sneaky
and she shot off into Mum’s bedroom to hide it in her duvet.
I watched from the hallway and when Goldie had gone off and left the bone I jumped straight
into the middle of the lovely big, soft bed and began to dig up the duvet to find the bone.
After about 10 minutes I’d looked everywhere I could under the quilt, which was nearly
off the bed by now, but no bone! Strange I thought, then I saw the 4 pillows and decided to
look under them. Oh deep joy, they smell like the ducks and geese
in the garden and when I picked one up and shook it there was a lovely noise of ripping and then
feathers filled the air, floating around everywhere.
What fun - I completely forgot my bone. Having had so much fun with one pillow, I decided
to try the others to see if they did the same. Joy - 3 of them blew apart and threw
glorious feathers into the air. I’m not just dreaming of a white Christmas, I've
made my very own - hallelujah!. The bed is nice and springy and
the more I ran around it in circles, the more feathers flew into the air.
Then I saw the bone underneath the last pillow and remembered why I was on the bed, so I lay down
on top of the bed and began to nibble. Before you could say "Jack Rabbit" I fell
asleep and began dreaming of chasing ducks and geese - wonderful, absolute bliss.
The next thing I knew I heard a voice shouting "Dylan " - I just knew I’d
blown it and was in trouble again! I tried to pretend I was still asleep but mum knew I was
acting and hauled me off the bed, confiscated my bone and made me go and sleep in the kitchen.
In the doghouse again - how long will it be this time before she forgives me I wonder?
13th August
Well I've been trying to keep my head down since my little adventure with Frenchie boy
- mum's not pleased with me and stopped letting me get on her bed, but just to rub it in,
Goldie's still allowed to go on. I wish mum would realise that I was just doing
what a boy has to do that evening. Anyway I've decided I'm going to be real good
from now on and maybe she'll start to take me out with her again.
The puppies here at the moment are all growing. Mum says some of them have got nice new homes to go and live
in - "thank goodness" is all I'll say on the matter. Since she has stopped
taking me about with her I have had to look more interested in them, which usually means
letting them pull my hair and chew my tail. I'll go prematurely bald if they're not careful.
Still I think I overheard the humans saying something about taking me to Scotland for the New Year
to visit some relations. Now that will be fun, so I'd better be good from now on - well until after that at least.
If only I can manage to be good for that long - it seems such a long way off!
7th July
Tonight I went to training classes with Sally. We've not been for an evening out together in
simply ages and I thought it would be a good chance for me to impress her. I must keep
Sally sweet for my future plans to be successful. Mum obligingly gave us both a brush up
so that we looked our best, but I do wish she'd keep away from a lads more private bits - I
can lick them clean thank you very much and I don't need any humans poking around there
with brushes and combs - that's my insurance for a happy future, don't they know that?
We arrived late (as usual) thanks to Mum and so to assist I thought it better if we just
rushed straight on in and join everyone else. I hurtled myself through the double doors
hotly pursued by Sally, with Mum dragging behind trying to look composed and in control
(as if!).
When we barged in through the doors the rest of the group were just in the middle of
standing nicely around the mats pretending they were at a show. Everyone turned and looked
at us. Sally and myself madly tried to get at the others to liven the situation up a little
as Mum tried to act all normal and pay at the door. I started to do my most impressive of
high jumps and twists, but unfortunately the lead hampered me slightly. Sally decided it
looked like fun and joined in, then all the other dogs decided we were having more fun than
they were and started barking and trying to join in. Now that's what I call an entrance.
Eventually Mum gave up trying to pay and went to sit with her friends taking us with her.
Hmm this gave me some time to eye up both the talent and the competition. Sally proceeded
to act all demure and cute for the humans so that she could get a lot of fuss and I studied
the other dogs in the room. Usual crowd! There was the gaggle of whippets, wittering away
in the corner together, then the shepherds who think they know it all, the spaniels, labradors
and lastly I spotted the standard poodle. Now there are dogs and there are excuses trying
to pretend they are dogs and that poodle is one of them. Maybe it's because he's quite new
to the club and decided when he first came that he would put us all on our places, but I DON'T LIKE HIM.
Then I noticed he appeared to be eyeing Sally up - hands off pal she's with me!
After a time of sits, stays, downs and jumping over obstacles, to please the humans, they decided
to stop for tea. Just as Mum was taking us up to get a drink I found the way blocked by
Frenchie boy. "Ooh La la Mademoiselle" he leered at Sally. Well I can tell you she was not
impressed and neither was I. Sally barked at him to let him know she wasn't interested but
he wouldn't take no for an answer so I decided to intervene and barked a warning to let him
know we were not amused.
The brass neck of it - Frenchie boy just stood his ground with that ridiculous leer trying
to impress MY BABE. He moved forward and blocked our way back down the hall, sticking his
tail high in the air and wagging it at Sally trying to impress her. That was it, I'd had
enough and lunged forward. With one swift twist I freed myself from the collar and lead
that Mum had me contained in. Hallelujah! I landed on Frenchie boy's back and Sally followed.
How many humans does it take to stop a dog fight? They ran from every direction as the other
dogs around the hall barked with delight and support, cheering me on. I think everyone was
secretly glad that at last someone had put Frenchie boy in his place. I never even thought
about my beautiful face and the fact that it was still healing after my recent incident. I
just went for his neck and latched on, hoping I would force him to give in with my sheer size
and weight on him. He spun and danced around for a while with me on his back, teeth firmly
planted in his neck. It was like a rodeo ride on a wild bull. Eventually I felt a firm grip
around my neck and felt Mum haul me off. OK fair cop!
Sadly Mum decided we had to go and sit out in the car for the rest of the evening on our own.
I left the hall to a chorus of "Oh Dylan you've disgraced yourself now" from the humans, but
I don't care, it was worth it. It also gave me plenty of time with Sally alone to impress her
with my canine prowess.
What is it the humans are always saying "May the best man win" I think that's one up to me
and one down to you Frenchie boy. Hasta la vista Baby - I'll be back!
15th February
Woken up this morning at 10.00 a.m. by Mum who said we dogs were a lazy lot and should
have better things to do - Oh yeah! Like what? Sniff up trees, chase silly plastic balls
that humans keep throwing away?
No thank you, on a cold winter morning a lad has nothing better to do than sleep in the
warm I can assure you. Anyway I heard Mum say to a visitor the other day that the puppies
were growing whilst they were sleeping - so what's her problem? I'm a growing lad too.
Just to humour the humans I popped my nose out of the door, checked the coast was clear,
ran to the nearest bush to relieve myself and turned heel to run back into the warm.
The geese, turkeys and ducks looked happy in the cold - they can keep it.
Just as I was about to nod off again Mum suggested I might like a trip in the car. Oh yes,
this means a gallop with everyone else on the beach I thought. So I happily trotted outside
to find that suddenly when I turned around, there was no one else there. Mmm - this means
trouble I thought, she never takes me to the beach on my own. Then I remembered last week's
trip to the vet.
Much as I liked that honey of a nurse I have no desire to spend my, much needed, sleeping
time at the vets. So I decided to make myself scarce whilst no one was looking.
I found a good hiding place under the bushes and proceeded to disguise myself as a tree by
standing incredibly still - Mum would have been proud of me if I'd been at a show and stood
so still - she's always telling her friends I can never stay still in the obedience ring.
After a couple of minutes of searching for me and calling my name, Mum spotted my disguise
so I decided to slope out. Still there's no way I was getting in the car on my own, it
looked too suspicious to me. I cruised around the car for a while looking between it and
Mum who was hotly in pursuit.
I wondered which one of us would tire of running around in circles first, when suddenly Mum
opened the car door and threw a big juicy bone inside. Now that's not fair.
I thought I could possibly nip in unseen and grab the bone to bring out and take to my
special hidey hole. So whilst Mum was looking the other way I quietly slipped into the car.
Before you could say "Jumping Jack Flash" the door was firmly locked behind me!
One up to the humans (or so they think).
I lay down and began to gnaw my way through the
bone. It works almost every time they want to get me in the car, if I stick out long enough
I get a bone to chew on through the journey!
As predicted we rushed off to the vets, Mum steering the car with one hand and phoning the
vet on the mobile with the other to tell him that we would be late because she had problems
getting me into the car. Why do I always get the blame?
She hasn't learnt the rules of the game yet.
By the way, Mum stands need to complain about other drivers on the road when she drives like that
- I thought she was concerned for my safety - just as well I did have the bone to distract me.
Well the honeybunch of a vet nurse rushed out to give me a cuddle and show me off to her
colleagues when I arrived, saying what a gorgeous boy I was and so friendly
- doesn't she know what she does to a lads hormones? Anyone would be friendly for a cuddle in that bosom.
The vet thought I was pretty wonderful too, then said to Mum to hold me whilst he came towards me with a knife the size of a sickle!
As he approached my beautiful face I thought “No way Pal you only just fixed that for me
last week”, so I gave him a low deep growl to warn him. Not to be put off by this he still
kept coming at me with the knife saying what a good boy I was and not to be silly.
SILLY? Would he like me to put a knife near his face - I don't think so! I decided stronger
tactics were needed and thought I would make a dash for it, but Mum had me in the meanest
strangle hold even a pro wrestler would have been proud.
Suddenly, whilst I was trying to get Mum off I felt a wonderful sense of relief in
my face and watched the vet walk away saying "That wasn't too bad after all was it?" - “What
wasn't?” He then told us we could go. I don't know what all the fuss was about!
I felt good and decided to thank everyone, hailing my departure to the honey by barking my
way out of the vet's and pulling Mum all her length. It had the desired effect - honeybunch
came running to open the door and give me one last cuddle! Aufweidersen Darling!
I never did get that gallop on the beach though. I overheard some rubbish about not getting
my coat full of sand - obviously Mum doesn't fancy another bath with me yet.
Never mind back home to brag to the others about how to get a bone if you really try.
8th February
Well I have been puppy watching today and teaching some of them to play. It's the first time I
have really looked at this new lot. The smelly little things really are quite nice and interesting.
They do get under your feet though and I wish they would learn that I do not have the equipment necessary to
feed them!!
I didn't stay with them too long because Jenna their mum came back but I keep watching from over the
back of the couch and think I might just go and play with them again another day, when Jenna
decides to go off and leave them.
I think Flossie down the road is coming into season I wonder if she will be interested? Better wait until
the face heals though - I want to look my best. With a bit of luck Mum will give me a bath
at the weekend too.
Deep joy watching the humans get as wet as I do! You'd think they would learn by now.
29th January
To celebrate my 6th birthday I decided to venture out while no humans were watching,
to see if I could discover why Sally (my best friend) has been isolated from me recently.
This meant negotiating a large wrought iron gate that the humans put up to keep us apart.
Not to be outdone by the humans I decided my determination gave me the strength to
force my way through the bars!!
The next thing I knew I was stuck and Sally did not think I was very clever at all,
just stupid, so she decided to tell me off. I tried to get away and shout for the humans
but it was too late. Suddenly I couldn't see out of my right eye because it had all gone red.
Is this what humans mean when they say "looking at the world through rose tinted spectacles?" - very odd.
I screamed my best drama queen squeals and Mum ran out - then she told me off too! She bundled
me in to the car, took me to the vet, let him jab a big needle into my bottom and she left me.
I was not amused - no way to treat a lad I thought.
I decided to go for a sleep whilst
I was waiting for her to come back as I was feeling tired. When I woke up I looked like
I'd done ten rounds with a Rottie and my head hurt.
The vet nurse was very pretty and very sweet, (that honey can come home with me any day). She
spoke nicely to me and said I was a lucky boy and nothing too serious just a few stitches in
my face (what about the shave I thought?).
Mum says what great timing it was, but she doesn't seem too pleased. The best thing is Mum keeps giving me sausage rolls now
(she doesn't know I have sussed it's so I will take my tablets).
The things a lad has to do around here.
4th January
Dad decided it would be better if we stayed the night in a motel, before driving back down to England.
This was a first for me and I had a single bed all to myself, while the humans got the big bed. It
was nice and warm, with a big soft duvet and I remembered that I was to behave myself, so I didn’t
creep on to their bed at all.
In the morning Dad took me for a quick wander around the car park - very uninteresting I must
say and then we went back inside, so the humans could go and get their breakfast, leaving me
in charge of the room.
A couple of times I heard noises outside the door and dutifully barked a warning to any potential
intruders. Then all went quiet again. I began to walk around the room, but it was getting very
boring. The food Mum had brought for me was like rabbit food and not the usual fresh meat we all
eat at home, so I couldn’t even console myself with that. I decided to go and sit on the
couch under the window and watch what was going off in the car park for a while.
Suddenly I saw the most beautiful, graceful vision of a Babe - a slinky black Saluki with red
diamante collar - WOW WHAT A STUNNER!!. It was love at first sight. I pressed
my nose closer to the window for a better look and began to bark in an attempt to gain her attention.
Then I noticed the window was slowing sliding open - someone must have forgotten to lock it.
With a little wiggle and a twist I was free and I jumped out just in time to see the babe’s car
slowly drive off, only to stop in the petrol station next door.
Off I went to try and introduce myself to the Saluki babe and hopefully get more aquainted. Alas,
it was not to be, she completely ignored me, sticking her beautiful long nose high in the air
and turning her back on me - obviously not tempted by my alluring eyes and wagging tail. Not to
be put off I decided to try a little harder - babes like that don’t come my way very
often. I followed the car as it pulled out of the garage, making a left turn and then driving
quite slowly for about 100 metres before stopping at a roundabout. Following hotly in pursuit
I trotted after the car, but somehow lost it, the babe and my bearings!! After two more circuits
around what was thankfully a deserted roundabout I decided to give up and managed to slowly make
my way back to the motel.
Back at the motel I tried to get back in, but the doors were too stiff. Then I heard Mum’s
voice in the room, calling my name - I don’t know where she thought I’d gone to - so
I barked my loudest bark and wagged my waggiest of tail wags outside the window. Eventually, Mum
looked out and saw me, she came rushing out of the hotel and bundled me into the car, muttering
something about thinking they had lost me and how it had made them late for the return journey
home............No ”Glad to see you again”.
Must be in the doghouse once more!!
2nd January
Well off to Bonnie Scotland we go, Mum, Dad, Sam the pup and me. All crammed into Dad's 1966
Volkswagen Beetle. Flossie, Sally and Goldie have all gone off to kennels for a holiday, for
a few days. Jenna and the pups are staying at home with Grandad.
The journey was boring to say the least chugging the 200 miles at 50 mph up the motorway, watching
all the humans pulling faces and gesturing at us as they zoomed past in their fancy cars. Dad didn't
mind though - he seemed to not notice as he yodelled his way to Scotland listening to Frank Ifield.
In the end I decided to sleep through the remainder of the journey so that I would have plenty of
energy for exploring Scotland when we arrived.
First stop was to drop off Sam and as we chugged up to this lovely little cottage in the forest I
have to admit I was a little jealous of him. A very nice lady and gentleman came out to greet us
and it turned out they were friends of mum’s. After a quick and uneventful walk around the
garden we went indoors, where I was made to lie down in the corner of the room while Sam got used
to his new home and family.
Suddenly Sam ran to the door and cried - I heard Mum say that he probably needed out to spend a penny,
so the humans all went out with him to watch him perform, forgetting about me.
Good opportunity to have a look around I thought, so I began exploring the lounge - nice coal fire
and warm rug to sleep on later; nice soft sofa with velvet cushions; then something caught my attention.
It was the lovely smell of turkey, ham, eggs and salmon. I followed my nose over the back of the couch
and low and behold! I found a wonderful lunch out on the table.
Now no one was around, they were all too occupied with Sam and I hadn’t eaten since yesterday because
Mum didn’t want me to get travel sick, so I thought just a tiny nibble wouldn’t hurt. I looked
at the hard boiled eggs - they looked easy to get hold of and no one would miss one of them, so I
just took one for a tiny taste. It was glorious - I made certain I licked up all the crumbly bits and got off
the couch like a good boy. I AM GOING TO BE GOOD.
Ten minutes later, the humans were still outside with the pup - I heard their voices quite a long way off and
the taste of that lovely egg was beginning to vanish. Perhaps they wouldn’t miss just one more I thought.
So I jumped on to the couch and leant across the back. The salmon was very tempting too, perhaps just a
little nibble of that instead. It was like going to heaven. One nibble led to two, three, four............suddenly
I realised all the salmon was gone!
In a panic I decided that if I ate all the food on the table they might think they had forgotten to put it
out, so I gobbled my way as best I could through most of the food, but it was just too much for one dog and
I began to feel sick. I got down from the couch and discovered the back door was open, so I crept out and
went to lie down under some nice holly bushes for a snooze.
”Dylan where are you?” was the sound that woke me up - I just knew I was in trouble again. When
the humans eventually found me Mum made it quite clear that she knew it was me who had stolen the food, but
the nice lady and gentleman were laughing and saying Mum was not to worry, there was plenty more where that
came from.
Nevertheless Mum still put me in the back of the car for the rest of the visit. Perhaps the visit to the
relatives will go better.
1st January
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
New Year’s resolution - to be a good boy and behave myself, so the humans don't fall out
with me this year.
25th December
Merry Christmas! All is well with the world today, the humans have forgotten about any
naughty things I might have done recently and we had pressies under the Christmas tree. After
we had opened them, with the help of the humans, we big dogs all laid down with some of our new
chews, but not the puppies, they decided that playing with the wrapping paper and Christmas tree
was much more fun. It was entertaining for us too, especially when they kept wrapping themselves
in the strings of beads and running off, dragging the tree behind them. Suddenly Mum has realised
that I’m not the only naughty one. I think she is somehow really proud of me because she
keeps saying they are just like me!!
We all had a lovely plate of Christmas dinner each, including the humans, with turkey (not out of the garden)
vegetables and all the trimmings - that was delicious, even the pups ate all of theirs’ -
you can make so much mess with all that gravy. Then we just lounged around in front of the coal fire
before going out for a quick gallop and then bed.
